Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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