I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
