I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
