Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
