I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
