Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
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