Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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