I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
