I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Randomize
