he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
