peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
