I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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