he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Randomize
