Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
