she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
