Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
