naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
