you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
