Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
