if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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