you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Text me some of your sweat
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
