If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
