he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
