I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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