I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
