Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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