that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
