So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
