Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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