we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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