sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
