you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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