I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
