In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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