I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
They took my balls.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
