When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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