I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
