just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
