who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
