I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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