My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
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