also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
