I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
