Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
