Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
