He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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