dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
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