I just pynch a tree in the face
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
