Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
