shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
